Sometimes It’s Hard (poem)

Sometimes it’s Hard

•

Sometimes it’s hard

To feel the things

That sit inside your chest

•

Even though 

Every time 

You try your level best

•

To be all things 

To everyone

Time and time again

•

I see your heart 

Struggling and beating

To pretend 

•

“That’s not true”

You’ll tell me 

“Everything’s ok”

•

“Just buck up 

I’ll get through it

Move on with my day”

•

But oh your heart is heavy 

Dear 

Come hush it for a trial 

•

You don’t need 

To hold so much 

I’ll bear it for a while 

•

It’s moments just 

Like this you know

Where you could straight let go

•

Of your sweet 

And heavy head

Your heart together sews

•

The greatest weaving

Works of art 

Still and listen in

•

Trust that voice

Inside your being

Cellared in your skin

•

It whispers soft

And sweet to you

Longing you attend

•

See to the very

Underneath 

Where it all began

•

Hooked in your soul

Where it got lost

Many moons ago

•

Got turned into 

Some dark crooks 

Where it roots to grow

•

Do not ignore

The meager dark 

Hiding in the corners 

•

Cloak it in

With tenderness 

Helps to keep it warmer

•

It gets slight

With sympathy 

You can show yourself

•

Do not ignore

Those dark spots

Or put them on a shelf

•

Sometimes it’s hard

To remind yourself 

Load gentle on your heart

•

And soon enough

These precious things

Will 

Never 

Fall 

Apart

by arley

The Promise (poem)

The Promise

Beginning a day

Breaking in the pain

Or letting go of such

The promise of a new horizon

Showing up

The reason you

Tumble out of bed

And

For that alone

Get to begin again

The promise

That you are able

To taste

Or smell or touch

To hear and speak

To listen and feel

To move

Freely

Experience change

Have choice

Right now

To love so fiercely

In the face of

Adversity

Pain

Rejection

Or because you can artlessly receive

To let someone be the champion

Of your heart

Allowing goodness

To flow in

Unencumbered

Even when daunting...or doubtful

Because

We know

Deep down

Not one of us

Is immune to heartbreak

The promise that

This very precious life

When it brings you to your knees

Can be

In unexpected flashes

Exquisite.....

Beyond fancy

Imagination

Cracks your eyes wide open

For one sweet moment

You can see

And understand

What might

Actually be going on here

You can begin

In buoyancy

That each new day

Can show you with

Acuity

That you are

As big

And

As hopeful

As the uncharted horizon

That waits for you

And welcomes you home

With arms wide open

A little writing.....to you from me.....

In hopes that your horizons open up for you in the most unequivocal way.

And maybe also

A wild promise

That mountains

Can actually

Become hillsides

Happiness (poem)

Happiness.....

In my eyes

This haunted word

Bothers my insides so

Does it exist

All the time

As fleeting moments go

To take one bit

Deep in the soul

Preciousness it brings

It lasts a while

And flows forward

Like wind under feathered wing

To want for Happiness

All the time

Can be a big request

As human emotion

Comes in many forms

Uncontrolled at best

To say your goal

Is to have just one

Stops you in the fray

The human form

Emitted verifies

So Many during the day

Do not strive

For a happiness

That might not exist

Solely as one soft

Place to land

To take within its midst

So Free yourself

From the unrealistic....

Ideals that it brings

And celebrate

All of the feelings

Your wild existence sings

To feel joyous

Grateful, contemplative

Sadness, fear, light

Tragedy, grief,

Loneliness

Love in highest highs

I wish for you

Deeply, greatly

To let all emotions flow

And do not strive

For happiness

As the only attainable goal

For without the others

Strength and Tenacity

Surly cannot be found

The darkness too

Has a place in you

forged brimstone from the ground

It has it’s place

Set at the table

In this handsome life

Not one immune to tragedy

Without darkness

There can be no light

Happiness can be

Gifted moments

Around our lifetime strewn

A tapestry woven

Of all emotions.....

The vast landscape

That is You

These words spilled out last night

Learning to integrate all of the bits that sit in the grey.......

Loving you just as you are....and all you emote today.....

the Call (poem)

The Call

If you take some time

Close your eyes

And listen

You can hear a faint rumbling

Something is calling you

To move in a direction

To pivot

To gently take action

Or to sit......

Letting it unfold before you

Is sometimes the hardest part

To let go of the reigns

And let it be

To move in the direction it needs to

If you can get really still

You will hear it

Follow the call

Slowly and sweetly.....

I’m being called slowly into something

It has been knocking on the door for quite sometime.

Being invited back in....

It feels good and right....

The pieces are all coming into focus.....

listening

surrendering

pivoting

learning

every step of the way

The Gift (poem)

The Gift

You have a little gift

That sits deep down inside

It might not be apparent

Lots of times it hides

It’s that special little something

That makes you especially you

To find it you must think on it

It will soon unveil its clues

It might be something great and big

It might be something small

It might be something creative

Or maybe not at all

It’s something only you can hold

You may not think you do

I know there’s something down inside

That shines so bright and true

Sometimes you will give it

Share it as a gift

It can appear sweet and slow

Or rather fast and swift

It could be dancing free and wild

Or drawing with a pen

Singing loud for all to hear

Or simply listening to a friend

It could be holding quiet space

While folks around you cry

It could be smiling big and wide

To strangers passing by

The gift can come in many shapes

Feelings, colours, light

And when you share it generously

It lifts the heavy high

Because

When you share your special something

They believe that they can too

Then your gift gets doubled

Fast inside of you

And once you know your gift

Can reach farther than before

Your heart can rest

Cause it’s done it’s best

With ease and generosity

YOUR GIFT

Created

More

I’m not entirely sure why my writing is coming out like sweet little kid story books lately..........

but I’m called to write it down and share it anyway......

So that’s what I do.....

Sending love.....and honouring all of your gifts that you share so generously with the world.....you know.....that’s a pretty big deal...

Grow Slow (poem)

Grow Slow

These words have been in my head

Last couple of days......

A reminder to move

At your very own pace.

So much that we see.....

Says we aren’t fast enough...

Like if you don’t do this thing

You’ll never catch up

So every day.......

I’m learning to (Grow Slow)

No need to be so fast

That you

Forget as you go

Life can be short

We know this to be fact

But if you rush the creative

You might feel a lack

Lack of “this”

Less than “that”

The feeling of trailing

Behind the pack.....

Well I say “It doesn’t matter”

If you love what you do

Grow slow with the moment

And it will grow with you

And before you know it

You’ve become a great towering Forrest

Because that slow growth

Creates roots below it

Roots that dive

And creep all around

A concrete foundation

Forced deep underground

A strong base to hold you

So tall and upright

Lets you shoot up......

And lift toward light

Grow slow.....

Grow slow.....

Grow slow.....

My dear

It may only last

A few days

Or a year

Knowing this is steady work.....

All the way down to it’s seams

It’s ok to

Grow......

Slow.......

My Love.....

It

........Supports

.......................Bigger

....................................Dreams

Sending so much love out there today.

This one is written especially just for you.

A good reminder to allow things to simply unfold.

The Striking Hands (poem)

The Striking Hands

.

For those of you

Who felt as though

This season is longer than most

Where all small talk

And nodding heads

Cast dark doubts upon your shore

.

In a room of smiling friends

You feel you are sitting with strangers

Just waiting for the hands to strike

Because that means

It

is

Finally

over

.

The heart in this chest

navigates towards yours

I know how long it’s been

When space feels

like a thin veil

When you want to crawl out of your skin

.

I can’t explain each tiny detail

It’s way too deep and wide

You know who you are

Who feel this whole season

Is not your favourite by far

.

So when those two hands strike tonight

Way straight up on twelve

May you breathe a breath

Way deep down in your chest

Knowing It’s finally done

.

And

.

Because of your courageous heart

Because of all your brave steps

You can calmly walk

Head held high

into another one

.

.

I wrote this really fast....

so it reads quite messy and bumpy.....

Perfection is for the birds....

So I’m chucking this out there.

This is the inspiration of many deep and long conversations I’ve had over the last couple of weeks with friends......

Sending so much love to you all as we navigate next steps, big moves, exciting victories,

and all of the gorgeous mundane and sad bits in between......

I’m pretty sure that’s where the magic happens.

Love Love Loving you just exactly as you are.

Wishing you one heck of a

New Year My Loves

See you in 2019

And Thank You Thank You Thank You for everything!!!

The Tipping Point (poem)

The Tipping Point

I see you.....

Workin hard...

Pushing that boulder up the hill

Our efforts, most times

outweigh the outcome

Don’t give up

or stand quietly still

For all that we are

And every sweet move

Consistently adds up to a gain...

Making something from nothing

The love of creation

Was planted straight into our brains

So as we push that boulder

Up to the peak

Of that long, unending steep hill

Muscles strained from the weight

Underneath our legs quake

Bit by bit

We are gaining small wins

Small wins strung together.....

Create something bigger

When we reach the very tip top

That big bulky boulder

One great heave sends it over...

Over that mountain of rock

We watch in awe....arms raised high

Finally free from the strain

But we don’t realize

That very big boulder???.....

The one we shoved over???....

Is at the bottom....

Again....

Frick.....

So off we go with our heads held low

Disappointed....

But we push to begin.....

Realizing this time,

The hill’s a much smaller size....

And our muscles are ready

To dig in

So we push that rock up

The next hill, and the next

Till that big thing becomes much smaller

Our muscles can handle the rough terrain

We become bolder, stronger, wiser

If you have tenacity

And the most fearless of SOULS

You will be able to sit in the space

That asks you to wait, and wait, and wait........

Wait for the very next roll

So To you I say

Love those small wins

They gift us strong backs, arms

and shoulders

It can all come your way

And I knew.....

That one day.....

We’d get damn gifted at pushing them

boulders

To all of the creative people out there

Doing all of the most incredible things

And all of the things that feel hard

Keep going...

We need you around

You make the world a much brighter, better place

A sweet note from me to you...

And....as I push my own bunch of rocks over here....it’s a reminder for me too...

Love, Love, Loving You Well

Love Yourself (poem)

Love Yourself

A thought has been in my awareness

and it is all about self love

This thought

might turn out to be....

a pretty serious one.....

Do you love yourself?

I mean

Really love yourself?

It seems all day we can put thoughts into our head that make us think we do

Spreading pleasant quotes

Through this and that

That share words

And encourage us to

It’s great and all....

But I’ve wondered for a while

If words float around themselves

Or if the work is being done

One to one....

Do you really love yourself??

I think it’s a life long journey

We are complex creatures with minds that get tangled up in the tiniest things

Continuously bombarded

with should have

could have

would haves

Too short...

Too fat...

Too thin...

Too big...

Too small...

Too sensitive...

Too much of all the things

That reveals in time

A dark empty shelf

So

Tell me sweet heart

Do you really love yourself?

It’s tricky sometimes

We clutch so hard

to make it all come true

Love seems a sliding scale

Sometimes we love so easily

And other times....

We don’t want to

And when we are aware

And can lay it bare

That love don’t always come easy

we push through the door

To find shards on the floor

Chaos can make us uneasy

The shards are things we aren’t proud of

That need a bit of holding

A little compassion and empathy

Instead of dark

foreboding

Those fragmented scraps

Of “not good enough”

Need all the sweetest attentions

To know that they belong

when they have done wrong

Cause

It was never their intention

So You toil and build

Piece by piece a most

Colourful work of art

A mosaic made out of the scraps that were....

At one time torn apart

We see all of the

callousness

Understand all the wrong

Lees by lees

Sliver by sliver

Knowing all along

That

It’s a slow pour to fill that cup

Patience is key

So don’t give up

Make it your life’s gentle work

As

gentle rolling swells

on the sea

So Sweetly and with intention

We can slowly close the gap

There will be good days

And bad

But I know that you can

Really learn

Really truly learn

Learn To love yourself

I’m learning everyday

I hope you are too

The Lotus Flower (poem)

The Lotus Flower

Once upon a time,

In my University days

I sang a song In German called

“Die Lotosblume”

“The Lotus Flower”

Written by Heinrich Heine

Set to Music by Robert Schumann

The Story

Is about a sweet, precious Lotus flower

Who feared the sun.

Languishing day after day in its heat.

So at night

when the Moon shone

she would graciously bloom for him.....

in all of her glory.

The Moon,

Her forever paramour.....

She, left silently aching.....

because they could never be

As......She is from the earth

And......He is from the heavens

Still she blooms

Knowing....deeply....

That he can silently delight

in her exquisiteness

And she in his

My own take on a mournful love story.....

A true love known....

In the great expanse between worlds

And never to be....

Still hopeful though

The Lotus

This tenacious flower,

born on long stalks from the muddy depths.

Emerge and sail above the water

Reaching for the heavens

The petals untainted....

Created so perfectly.....

That dirt weeps off of them seamlessly....

Every night

Floating high and free from the muddiness of

Attachment

and

Desire

To open in love

And to close

day after day....night after night...

So Tonight I sit here

Thinking

My dream for us all

Is to be more like the Lotus

Strong, Soaring, Beautiful, Knowing,

Persistent

To come from the past,

thick mud and dirt

To stretch out and up

Or to simply

Just be.....

Without even one word spoken....

A Most Beautiful Thing

Continuously Blooming In hopes that one day

We will reach....

Just far enough.....

To

Caress

The Moon

Happy Tuesday

And

No matter what...

Keep reaching sweet friends

Keep reaching

All the Things We Thought We Wanted (poem)

All The Things We Thought We Wanted

Long time ago

We made up stories

about

All the things we thought we wanted

Things

ALL OF THE THINGS

So.....

Very....

Many......

Things.......

The love that we would die for

Cars

Weddings

Babies

Houses.........

Lists upon lists

And scads upon scads

Of

All The things we wanted

So we travel down the path

And meander in the dark

Feeling round about for

shiny bright things

Grabbing at them

Padding around for them

Ready, Hit, Mark

we are told we want them

Need them,

want them

We are born and bred

Just so

Because that’s just what you do

And that’s just how it goes

Heart to heart

and

Step to step

It’s easier moving with the flow

Head down eyes tight

Don’t dare veer over the sides

“If you DON’T grab fast the shiny bits,

Son

you are going to miss the ride”

So you want

Those,

cars,

homes,

weddings

and loves.....

Make that big machine roar!!!

But

Feeling lost,

And alone

and on your own

somehow left you wanting

More......

existence

And need

Can make the heart bleed

From trying to even the score

The things we wanted

BREAK

And up the fear shakes

As “things” can

cease to bring us joy

So Big brother yells

“Keep them eyes down and your fists held tight. Never loose sight of the prize

You want to be a winner son????

You know....in life....??

You need ALL OF THE THINGS to thrive”.

for all of the things we thought we wanted....

Can quickly

fall and crumble.....

As we sit there watching

Knowing

Watching

The understanding that it brings

That none of the wants

mean all that much

In the grand scheme of things

Wants can bring us joy

and sometimes happiness....

They shine you up

great glossiness

In all the best of ways....

But take a minute

before you decide

to WANT your life away.

Dig in hard and listen to your heart that might be whispering no.....

It’s ok sweet friend

not to want the things

big brother tells us so.

Take a breath

and sink way deep down

into your big

vivacious soul.

Cause down inside we know

That

Vows get broken.....

Hearts do die.....

Cars rust out....

Babies cry......

And the world will keep on spinning

until we all eventually go.....

Off into the great beyond

Where we can’t take

our precious, sweet cargo

Morbid?

Uh.....

Yes

You

Bet

But I’ve got good news for you.

All the things you thought you wanted

All those things you ever wanted

.

Are

Right

Inside

Of

You

Gold In Your Belly (poem)

I couldn’t sleep.....

A couple nights ago....

wide eyed blinking...

All night long....

So instead I wrote....

Inspired by this poem....

By Christopher Poindexter.

Words:

The goal has been to be trusty, vulnerable, and truthful with words....

I have surprisingly, and quite clumsily, face planted.....

Directly into a phase

where I get to choose to become my most authentic self.....with actions and words,

The strings are being cut....

The hooks are coming out....

The masks are peeling off.....

We all have them....

Masks....

The things we put on, to cover up, all the parts we want to change....

Or hide.....

Or forget away....

So many layers.....

so much peeling.....

Tearing out the hooks.....

leaves gaping, open wounds.....

And I am eager....ready.....willing.....

Rip.....Rip.....Rip.....

Out of the wounds, there are words.....

That want to spill over the split....

Words that haven’t been said....

That want to be said....

(to you, and you, and you)

and to you too.....!!!!

The words burn fierce in all the best ways....

Sometimes, there is no choice...

Sometimes, instead of saying them out loud...

I write them.....

Or at night when I can’t sleep.....

I whisper them into the breeze....

Or put em in a song.

“I’m not going to die with forgotten gold in my belly.”

you might read them....

you might feel them.....

and you might not......

You might like them....

You might not.....

You might even hate them....

Like, really hate them....

no matter.....

I make a choice.....

to choose the good ones.

Words, that is.....

As deeply as I choose to love....

Even when it can feel arduous, or intimidating to do so.

teaching yourself.....

Over and over again...

to be brave......

To say what is in your heart....

To tell someone how they made you feel....

The small observations, and gestures in life

can easily go unnoticed.....

the things we don’t appreciate.....

or say.....

everyday.....

That would make someone feel....

That much better....

So today...I’m reaching out

to your sweet and tender heart....

To tell you......

It’s going to be ok....

It’s going to be ok....

It’s going to be ok....

Yup, I just know it.....

And if someone hasn’t told you in a while.....

even if I don’t know you all that well....

You are loved so much more than you even know.

The Reminder (poem)

The Reminder....

This poem was sent to me yesterday from one of my dearest friends. It is a poem by Nayyirah Waheed from her book of poetry called Salt.....I cant stop rolling the words around in my head.....so much so that I thought I would share them.....and let you know that You Are also a Story. All of you...I'm not sure why I feel like these words strung together are so profound for me. I suppose I have spent time becoming/being one word.....from my own book or from someone else's.....Maybe you have too..

the word can create an entire story.....

the word is outrageously disingenuous and untrue......

the word could be several different ones......

used separately on different days......

so subtle and in such a way.......

you start to actually believe it.........

believe it so deeply.......

this word....."because you want to be loved".......

you want to be loved so badly.....

that you take this word straight into your soul and start to embody it......you make it true.....you give it life.....and light

a place to grow and root.....

God those roots go deep and spread quickly....

because someone told you it was so.......

but the word has falsified your true story, your glorious nature, spirit and authenticity......

"love does not ask you to be nothing for something"

No.....no it doesn't....

If there is a word that is threatening your stunning story....

Don't be afraid to cut the roots....

And turn out the light.....

and remind yourself.....

it's hard for things to grow in the dark.

Fear (poem)

Fear:

There is a brand new journey starting....a journey to understanding fear on an intimate level...and i gotta say....I’m enticed by it. At first it feels really really scary....stunningly complex.....A close heat.....

But once you realize that you can move through fear.....there is a knowing that appears.....deep deep down......the knowing is that you can, in fact, come out the other end....in one whole banged up glorious piece.....arms and legs still intact....brain still tucked lovingly in place....conscience and heart.......in check......

As you engage with fear, there are chunks of you that that cleave clear off your body in the pressure of the wake.....

they fall off sudden, and rattle off into the ditch like an old hubcap....(we probably don’t need those rusty ol things anyway).....

It’s kind of a miracle.....when you wake up after sitting in fear.....to find that you have gained so much more power and understanding than you ever imagined.

Fear is this sort of monster that has a gnashing gnarly mouth and fiery eyes.....I’m sure you are familiar....and there are so many different types (I’m generalizing for the sake of keeping this short) ummmm ya short....

So we have a couple of choices here on how to sit with it...

We can wield our sword, and run right toward it......howling our war cry.......likelihood of singed eyebrow hair, broken collar bone, sunglasses askew, and a few tears probable....outcome....unknown.....but most likely.....

lots of change.

or

duck, run and hide......licking a lolli under a rock.....safe, held and sweet.....outcome......known.....no change.

I think of running full tilt into fear is like welcoming a sort of “death” to occur.....over, and over again....death of the old parts.....poof.....burned up fast.....floating.....like ashes on the wind.....the parts that were afraid to try....somehow lightened....

if we tighten up our intimate relationship with fear, would we be more likely to share our most creative, vulnerable parts with the world....?

There will always be the likelihood that we will fall down and get banged up in the process......yup that can happen......it can be embarrassing and so intense that it vacuums the air straight out of your lungs....I’ve been there more times than I can count on my fingers and toes....and I’m 100% sure that’s part of the process.....

As you get back up and dust off the flotsam of the wreckage......you get better, and better at sitting with it or running head first into it......and letting go of the old parts that just don’t fit......

As I write this, I encourage myself, and you, to continue to stand in the groundlessness of fear.....

The groundlessness

Of sharing your creativity

Of moving to a new place

Of standing on a new stage

Of telling your truth

Of sharing your heart

Of raising your babies

Of making your art

Of singing your songs

Of writing your books

Learning to sit smack dab in the utter loneliness of fear, without filling the deep void with distraction or grabbing at the next best thing or clinging to addiction.

Groundlessness and Fear can be terrifying....but we could also think of it like flying....so instead of using a sword.....say you’ve got a set of wings....and these wings jut out like sails.....to pick you up to guide you right into the arms of the infinite universe of possibility, love and creativity.....could happen.

bumps, scratches, egos and broken bones can heal, with time and loving care......

But the “what if’s” will stick to you like tar until you leave this earthly plane.....until you have burned up fast.....again....floating like ashes on the wind.....or to reincarnate....learn from it.......and have a “go at er” again.

Post Script:

This post is more about fear in creativity and love.....

I will never jump willingly out of a plane....or swim with sharks even if someone says “they aren’t the biting type”.....mmmmmm yup.......I’m super fine with keeping those in the “what if’s” box for now.

And for those of you who create and love in all the ways you do. I sit here in awe of your brave, courageous hearts.....today I honour you.

Reflection on Boundaries (Blog)

Reflection on Boundaries

There is this book that I have been reading lately that is called “Boundaries and Protection” by a woman called Pixie Lighthorse. This book has greatly changed my perspective on situations in my life that have made me feel manipulated....less than.....off kilter.

What I have figured out and witnessed with my own eyes and body, is that when you form a protective barrier of boundaries around yourself, there are going to be people who fall right off the map....as you set up these boundaries and stand firmly within them....they will wonder why you are saying “no” when you used to say “yes”.....They will wonder why you are changing.....why you have an opinion on what feels right and what feels wrong.

Creating boundaries can be hard.....it can be fiercely uncomfortable and outrageously lonely....but without them....the manipulations....have power to continue.

I’d rather live a full life staring into the abyss of the unknown, than consistently bending, smiling, pretending. Compromising mind, body and spirit.

So.....my shout out to you would be....if someone in your life is misusing their power, trampling all over you and making you feel like your emotions, sensitivities, words and opinions have no merit.....that your requests for communication, and compromise are outlandish....that you are too much......if someone continuously judges your moral code and standards of respect.....if someone wants you to change all the things that make you wildly wonderful.....chances are that some boundaries need to be gently lodged into place......

Don’t be surprised when these folks fall off your map.....it’s like you are holding their feet closer to the fire by creating safe boundaries for yourself....they have a choice to stay and burn up with you, to do the work.....or run.....

You are worthy of deep love, compassion and forgiveness. You are worthy of respect and being treated with integrity. If someone can’t meet you in the middle of your humanness.......let them go. You deserve to love and be loved......it’s going to feel like a long road.....but in the end....it will be worth every step......

Just some thoughts

The Great Ohio Tempest (Blog)

The Great Ohio Tempest

Just got sent this sweet pic of being on the road coming back from Memphis. We stopped in this small farming community in Ohio and the winds were gusting at breakneck speeds.

As we walked into the tiny gas station/burger joint, the door about blew right off its hinges when we entered.....everything on the counter went flying....We were met with a few sideways glances from the older gents who were occupying the booths and stools. One of them specifically could not stop eyeing up my boots.

I sat down on one of the red stools at the little bar and ordered some fries to keep us going for a few more hours. I tipped the gal behind the counter (like a good Canadian would) and we were on our way.

Before we hopped back in the truck (this pic was snapped) I took a look around and thought.....I think I could live here......fields as far as you could see.....so flat and wide you could almost see the curve of the earth....Desolate (maybe) there was something else that drew my energy to this place. There is something in me that craves the quiet alone....big spaces.....the feeling of anonymity.....

As we drove through gusty Ohio....with the truck rocking hard from the crosswind on the highway....there was some more sweet sights. The ditches and fence posts were lined with hawks that were out for an afternoon hunt. So many in number that you couldn’t ignore them. Wings outspread, gliding gracefully on the violent wind. Looking down, scouring the tall grass for their next kill. Easeful soaring in a harsh environment. They had a message for me....

“No matter how strong and violent the tempest is around you, spread out your strong wings and glide gracefully through the storm.”

And so it is.

Coffee Stains and Flower Crowns (Blog)

The past four days I have been hunkering down and writing songs. Again I tumble into self judgement until I realize I don’t have to hold on to my music or creativity so preciously. I simply have to spend the hours honing the craft...allowing it to be....and then letting it go. I’m trying to quickly turn high expectation into appreciation.....appreciation that I have a small window of time to do this...before change comes tumbling in.....again and again......

Expectation holds us on a tightrope of suffering....(weather it’s the expectation we hold over our own heads, or the expectation that others hold over us).....so I write and write....paper upon paper....coffee cup stain marking (with a wink) the last page for today....the flower crown reminding me that life....(although super wildly confusing at times) can be celebrated with some whimsy, comedy, magic....and a whole lot of “giving zero effs”.....learning to laugh at and with myself.....

So today I create without boundaries. And then let it go....let it go.....

I hope that you can create something soon that makes your heart sing. Trash the judgement....and let it fly....

In all honesty....the writing I am putting out is fast and furious.....it’s not perfect or precious.....I’m adding hours to my practice. One letter and one word at a time. Thinking of the long game.....an easeful lumbering marathon.....

Resisting (Blog)

This is the face of a gal who just spent a few hours reading over the words in her old journals....the very words she wrote as she travelled through the last 9 years of her life. Caught in a serious web of reflection of what was.......and how it moulded, and sculpted her......and made her bend, and bend, and bend.

Gloriously Grooming her into a shape She could hardly recognize....

There were times of strength and happiness, joy and deep warrior like resistance.......

and then also........so much silence....in a world of music, love, community, and opinion.....emotion, sensitivity....in a world full of happiness and utter elation you thought you could crack and bust right open....

there was.....in fact.....deafening silence.....lonely silence....heart pounding silence......the kind that makes you think of existence and how life is way too short....how fragile it all is....The kind where you could hear your own heart beating in your chest and in your ears if you listened and lay on the pillow just right...The kind of silence that keeps you up at night even when the t.v’s blaring in the other room....and other people are wandering about.

it reminds me that as we travel on our roads through the world....you never know what is happening behind the closed doors of strangers on the street and those we hold dear.....you never know what’s happening in the silence....

you never know that people could be trying their hardest to fundamentally change their best friends and lovers into forms that suit them so much better. To wear them in like an old suit coat or a favourite pair of shoes. Years and years of slow wear will eventually make anything feel comfortable....as long as you have patience, persistence....and subtle knowhow.....you can break in anything

But when you resist....when you refuse to bend....the loneliness starts to feel like a welcome friend....a friend that no one else even knew existed....because you are incredible at keeping it hidden.....then.......finally.......again......

silence....

Not the scary kind though....the real kind of silence that is as big and warm as a mothers hug....and says to you with a sweet whisper in your ear.....”you knew all along dear one, you are safe and loved beyond all measure....now you can be who you always knew you were....she’s been in there all along....spending way too much time...........resisting”

New Heights and Everything In Between

So I launched my website.........then I cried, and cried, and cried......for a full two days........the reality hit hard.....because of what I am asking of myself, and what I am asking of others.......then I fell.......hard........smack dab into the center of my EGO........and wow it f$%#ing hurt bad........Truth is I am scared @$%#less......once I pressed launch......all of this reality came tumbling in through a large imaginative hole that was fashioned perfectly right above my head......and BLAM!!!!!! ON THE GROUND!!!! What the EFF was I thinking??  To drop everything that was comfortable and right......for this.....uneasy.....messy....messy

......ridiculous.....idea...... 

Now the dust has settled,  I am sufficiently shaken up and I am ready to go back to work. I thought the hard parts were already over.....baaahhhaahahahahah......I was wrong.....soooooo wrong......now the work is just beginning......

Ever since I was little music has followed me in some form or another.  Even when I tried to quit it so many times. I would just end up back in it's luscious warm arms, rolling around in its magic. I didn't understand until now how it has shaped my life and slowly guided me to this moment.  This moment when I get to call out a name, or one of the many incarnations of a name. Arley....Singer Songwriter.  

Declaring this (Singer Songwriter) is a new feeling for me and looking at it and reading it over, and over again brings my heart into my throat and shakes up everything in my body (obviously still).  I have been writing music for the last 15 years and I have finally teased up the courage to step into this incarnation fully and with a deep knowing.  I don't actually think I have a choice in the matter.  So then, here I am to share stories, to sing from my soul, and to spread some love into this world the best way I know how.  

2016 was an interesting work year for me.  In January I took a month off of my teaching studio to write.  I wanted to get some new material going, I had no particular goal in mind, I just wanted to play and let the music seep in.  A month of writing gifted me with a full album of songs. I believe I wrote 12 new pieces to add to my growing list of originals.  The rest of the year I spent working the new material and singing in performances here and there to share them with the public. I was teaching my studio still with 60 students and singing in my band Loose Cannon.....I was happy....

I realized that my songs were asking more of me than I had time to give them. I decided to scrunch my studio teaching into three intense days a week, but I would have to cut down my student list. It was my thought that I could still do it all and come out the other end with a huge chunk of time to work my craft. I was actually really wrong about this.  By late October (after playing my first house concert for Meg Sheepways Dog Paw Pottery Studio) the decision was final and I decided to strip my entire life away by shutting down my studio and quitting the band.  

Two very hard things to do.  I loved my students.....and I loved my band......but there was something else calling out to my creative soul.....and if I didn't do it now......when??

"This decision led to many long hard talks with my husband and several other people (students and bandmates). I was on my way to slowly peeling off the cloak of my regular life"

This decision led to many long hard talks with my husband and several other people (students and bandmates). I was on my way to slowly peeling off the cloak of my regular life......stepping into the unknown.  Knowing that with this decision would come sacrifice financially and emotionally in my life, as we have gone from a two income house to one.  Knowing also that quitting the band would seriously change the way I express myself and my approach to music and performance. Knowing that I would be stepping into the arena to come face to face with all of the critics.  For about three weeks I was scared shitless......and the negative internal dialogue started its well known and very old script of dubious apprehension. Who Do You Think You Are??? What If You Fail???  You Don't Even Know What You Are Doing!!! No One Is Going to Like It!.......and on and on it circled.

There were tears......There was bad communication.......There was fear.......There was scarcity thinking.......There was the thought of saying it was all a bad joke and wanting to go back to regular life........."pfffttt hahhaaaa hey guys!! it was all a joke....oh god.....like seriously what was I thinking......JOKING!!!!!!  LOLZZZZZZ"

It all went though my head over and over again on the rolodex of fear.  Doubtful questions aiming their harsh words directly at my artist heart.  After a few weeks of rolling around in the dirt of my own critical mind, a light found its way though the darkness.  What if I simply just try?  What if my intention is to share my music with an open heart?  What if all of the outcomes are none of my business? What if I don't treat this like my baby? (this idea taken from the book BIG MAJIC written by Elizabeth Gilbert)  What if I don't try to protect my work with my fragile artist soul?  What if I just see what happens? What if I do this because its is in my heart to share in this particular way?  What if I TRUST?? By allowing the light to shine through serendipitous things started to happen.  I started to meet the people who would help me with each next step.  Slowly the vision came to life and I was able to see it all coming together, bit by bit.

I took off the dark cloak and listened super hard to the small soft voice within that was calling me to come back to my center of knowing. To Come Back In.........Come Back In.......... Every time the old script tried to distract me, I was reminded to Come Back In. It was a simple invitation to slow down and center in my own heart........relying on the wisdom that has occupied the space there since the beginning of time.

"it's all going to be ok" "everything is going to be ok"

As I practiced the mindfulness of centering my body back into my heart and my breath.... it was powerful and calming. The knowing started to emerge and become more compelling than the negative self talk.  The breath became easier and lighter.  I remember in moments of conversation with my husband, when we were both in fear of the unknown my favorite phrases were "it's all going to be ok" "everything is going to be ok" the power of those two phrases surprised me. Even as I uttered them and the words fell out onto my lips.....there in the unknowingness...in the fear....they made things luminous......syrupy.....softer.....    

It has been with my husbands undying support emotionally, spiritually and monetarily, that I was able to put this project on the ground with a firm foundation. He has been my biggest supporter, rock, and the shining light of encouragement that has allowed this project to take flight and find its home somewhere out in the musical ether. 

Also with much thanks to Ian Mcleod of Backlanes Audio. who was a friend of mine during my days at the Music Department at Lakehead University.  I had, over the years, lost touch with him and somehow crossed paths with him recently at a local pub.  I told him what I was up to and he offered to be my guide and help me to record the project.  Ian has been the most integral part of the contouring, and colouring of this Album by guiding me through the recording process ease fully and helping me shape my artistic ear and feel.  Making what I originally brought in even more magical and sublime.  Not only did I gain a recording technician that I fully trust....I gained back.....a dear old friend. Ian has used his musical ear and ability to play on several of the tracks which helped me fill them out and and give them more life than I could have dreamed possible. If you are looking to record a new project Ian is your man!

What is the Project??? 

I will be launching my debut album called "Parts of Me" within the next month and I am really excited to set it free. I'm excited to see where it goes and how it changes and morphs.  I am excited to share it with anyone who will listen.  I am still a little scared.....trying not to be.....learning about how NOT to attach myself to my art, and fully let it go. Let it go so that I can continue to write, record and share my original sound and story with others.

I will be holding it with light hands over the next few months as I also embark on another adventure.  I plan on taking my one woman band on the road and will be heading out west performing house concerts along the way.  This is also way out of my comfort zone......Thunder Bay to Edmonton....Maybe out to Vancouver.....I will be traveling for about two months and will be hitting up some incredible towns and cities along the way.

It is my hope that I can rely on the sweetness of Friends, and Friends of Friends, and the Canadian people that I know and have yet to meet that their kindness and heartfelt welcomes will show me the way back home safely and with scads more writing and stories to tell.  I am excited for this adventure. 

Yet another adventure I will be undertaking is the actual Launch of my album!  It will be happening Saturday May 6th at the Branch 5 Legion at 8:00 pm.  I hope to see some supportive faces out to help cheer this local gal on! Tickets are 5$ and I will post more information on where they will be available.

So feel free to take a look around the new Website!!  Sign up for my e-mail list and I will keep you posted on all of the new and exciting things that will be happening in the upcoming months!

So now the real work begins......

 xoxoxo

With all the love in my heart

Arley

Singer Songwriter